I wanna run to you (when I need something)

From http://www.foximus.com/

I have, somewhat, accepted the fact that my family will, for the most part, only remember me when they need something. Still, it's unnerving at times when this is proven right.

Recently my brother had been messaging me on Facebook. He was asking where I am, how I am doing, and the like. It's very peculiar for my brother to suddenly ask me all these questions, primarily because we're not particularly the best of brothers. I felt that something was up, and it didn't take me a week to find out. After a few days, he messaged me on Facebook, asking if his wife can borrow some money.

Not that I am surprised. Like I said, I've long accepted the fact that family members only remember me when they need something. I did ask what the money was for, and he was more than happy to answer. In the end I agreed to lend them the money with the "assurance" that they'll pay me back eventually. (There were even messages that I received multiple times, i.e. where they can get the money or sheepishly denying why he was suddenly asking how I was, but I'll just think that it's the network provider who sent the messages multiple times).

Don't get me wrong. I'm no miser. I've lent money before, and I don't mind lending the money. And I don't hold on tightly to the promise that they would in fact pay me back eventually. Being one of the better-off in the family (probably second to my dad or my sister who lives in NZ with her family, okay maybe third) means I have to, in most cases, be the one to assist the lesser well-off ones. And in some ways, that is what I do. So helping them out isn't that much of a deal.

And it's not like they run to me instantly, they usually run to my dad first. Well, maybe not this instance, seeing that my brother and my dad aren't really seeing eye to eye at the moment.

So what bothers me? It's the idea that, more and more, my perception that I am nothing but an emergency fund or a special hotline, is proven time and time and time again.

I remember I used to ask my dad why does do I have to pay for the interest for the people he lends money to. I've asked him that because more often than not when I ask something of him he would be giving a price higher than what you would normally get it for. Maybe he was joking, maybe not. But I've always taken it to heart. I never really got an answer from him why, I just got another joke that whenever my dad sees me he sees a dollar sign on my forehead.

Another time, I asked my dad if I can be dependent on him too, seeing that my brother and sisters are for the most part running to him (i.e. my brother got a motor, a house, his college education at 30. My sister got her money from her startup business from my dad, eventually the remaining money she needs to go to missions, and my youngest sister gets a lot without asking). My dad said no, because he said that he depends on me. Me, among my older brother and 2 older sisters. Sure, it's kinda makes you proud that your dad would depend on you more than your other siblings, but there's also the feeling that they might not be better off but they sure are getting the better end of the stick.

My youngest sister lives in the same building as I do (they got a condo unit in the same building after I insisted to my dad that he get me a condo unit as a grad present 4 years after I graduated). They're a living one floor below - I on the 6th and her family on the 5th. More often than not I would be surprised to know that my dad visited them, only finding out after they have left. I live one floor above and I don't even get a knock on the door to check if I'm still alive.

They've told me time and time again that they'll drop by to check up on my unit, do a bit of cleaning and stuff like that. So far I haven't seen even a glimpse of their shadows.

I'm probably better off dead. At least my dad will get millions from insurance, since he's my main beneficiary. But they won't probably know I'm dead. Not unless they need something, or my body begins to rot - whichever comes first.

It's saddening, having a perception like that, especially against your own family. Having that kind of idea changes your perspective on how to interact with people. For the most part, I've had the perception that people only go to you when they need you - not necessarily financial reasons, it can be something else like a punching bag, a sponge, a way to kill boredom. When they don't need anything from you, you're nothing to them.

And probably the saddest part? There's no reciprocity.