Some people just never learn.

And I'm one of them.

I received a text message a long time ago. It said that repeated experiences have only one aim - and that is to teach us what we refuse to learn. And maybe, it isn't half-baked as I thought it was. Though I never really paid much attention, right now it is the first thing that popped into my mind.

I guess you can say that I do have this repeated experience. Judging by the first few statements in this blog, I cannot really deny it - and I'm not. For so many years I have been clinging to something that I know have already come to pass. I know that I often say to people (and even heard some say) to let go of the past and move on. But I guess those things are easier said than done.

I am hurting, and still am, over and over, again and again. But still, I cannot seem to stray away. I have tried multiple times to do so, and in all those attempts, I failed. I guess you can say that I don't have that much will to let it go, even though I know that I should. Sometimes, what you know is not really what you feel. And I guess that is part of being human.

That part is what I despise the most. If that is one thing that I would remove from my system, that would be it. But still, I am clinging. My mind says to let go, but my heart says otherwise.

Someone told me before that I am a "head over heart" person. Probably, in most aspects, I am. Or maybe, that is the person that WAS. The person that IS right now isn't.

People change. That is one of the two constant things in this world (the other is God). That is a fact. But still, there is a part of me that wishes that I did not change.

I am torn, shattered, broken into pieces. But nobody knows that. To everyone, I am still whole. If only they knew that it is only a facade, a mere illusion by the mask I created. If only they knew that what they see is only a minor persona of me, a projection of what I want them to see. If only they knew that the person that they see in me is just a figment of imagination, the "other me" that I wear. And probably, if they knew the real face behind the mask, they wouldn't really be that anxious or excited to meet me.

I guess that is part of the problem. The fear in me. The fear of rejection, the fear of non-acceptance, the fear of being judged wrongly. That fear actually created the illusion. And that illusion actually tore me to two different poles.

But can you blame me? Would I have had that fear if I felt that everyone (or at least most) is true? In the ever shrinking world of ours, people have found means and ways to deceive, cheat, and lie. And I, being intelligent (or stupid) enough, learned to adapt.

Face your fears, they say. I believe, and also agree, to that. But they also say that there is power in numbers. One can have more courage to face their fears if he knows there are others like them going through the same thing. But if you are as stoned in fear as I am, I guess you won't really be able to reach out to others facing the same dilemma.

I can already see some of the comments that would land when I post this blog. Things like "you have Jesus". I know, I know. Actually, I know a lot of things TOO well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to offend anyone. I guess I'm not really that great of a Christian. I guess there may even be children who have greater faith than I do. As I said, I am torn, I am lost. And I guess I don't have that much power to pick everything up. I need someone who would help me, someone whom I know wouldn't judge me, but rather bear with me as I painstakingly pick up the broken pieces of myself and put it together again. Someone who would put me in the right direction. Someone who would lend their hand. Someone who can bring me to Christ.

Is this another one of my hasty decisions, those spurs of the moment? I hope not. I honestly hope not. I don't want to have that repeated experience again.

The first step to recovery is acceptance. I just did that. I just hope that someone would help me continuously walk that path, so as not to stray again, like I did a million times before.

"Lord, open my eyes so I can see, not what is there, but what isn't".