Rejection

From thehappinessparadigm.com

"I no longer wish to speak with you."

It was all that was needed to be said to put me back in my place. I was thinking, hoping actually, that she still wants to be together. That she wants to give us a second chance. That she still longs for me the way I still long for her. I guess I was too far from the truth.

Thinking of being rejected is one thing, being actually rejected is another. It's something that, no matter how long you psych yourself for, will never be prepared. Especially if it's something you really, really want. You think that you've prepared yourself by hoping for the best and expecting the worst, but when you're in that situation, you forget about expecting the worst and just hope for the best.

I guess I had it coming. After all, I was the first one to let go. When I said I want out, I was being impulsive, into that moment. I shouldn't be disappointed that I had been rejected. And yet, it feels like someone just punched a big, gigantic hole in my chest.

Back then, I wanted to take some time for myself. A few months into the relationship I felt that I was putting it my all, but getting measly scraps in return. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done that. I was giving too much, and expecting too much. I was being unfair. But then again, am I the only one?

It's funny that around this time last year she was telling me that she can't picture her life without me. That I'm very important. That she'll be with me until I no longer want her in my life. I guess that all expired the first time that I told her we're over. And I'm not blaming her for that. I guess, when I said I want out, I was expecting that she would fight for me. But she let me go. I dunno, maybe I barely knew her.

It's been almost a year since we've broken up. And yet, when I see her I still get butterflies in my stomach. When she's around I still can't help but shoot a glance at her direction. When it's time to get to work or go home, I still catch myself anticipating seeing her as she walk by. When I see a friend post a picture of her, I linger and look at it trying to study her face.

There's so many things that remind me of her. Forget about our rendezvous at the office. Whenever someone mentions tea, I remember her. She loves drinking tea. I've associated oatmeal and salad with her. I've associated those cute little panda stickers with her - I remember how she branded those cute little panda stickers as her signature sticker. Listening to alternative and independent music, I got that from her. She likes listening to that kind of stuff.

How is she? How have she been? What's currently going on with her life? Is she still doing those early morning exercises before going to work? Did she pass her last exam? Is she finally getting her masters degree this academic year? Does she still think of me sometimes? If she does, does she think fondly of me? Does she regret getting to know me? Will we ever go back to the way we were before? So many questions lingering in my head, and I want to ask her all of those.

But I'll never get to ask her those questions, 'coz she no longer wishes to speak to me.