Musings of a weary heart...

Funny that when you want to say something, no one seems to bother listening.

And what makes it funnier is that it actually happens to me, most of the time.

I could actually say that I am an official wallflower. Not really because I'm the type of person not worth talking to, but because when there are already three people (including me) talking, it would seem that there are only two persons talking, and I am just listening to the conversation. Like I said, most of the time, when I talk to somebody, it would seem that I'm talking to nobody.

I love listening to other people talk. That is one skill that I have developed through the years. And that is the skill I have used most often. If I start to talk, my words would only pass unnoticed.

I have always said that I prefer to be alone. But there are still times that I feel that I need someone to talk to. Unfortunately for me, I don't have a someone to talk to. A person whom I have actually poured my heart out to. I haven't tried it, I never tried. I'm too afraid that in the end, that person would also end up like the others, only there for a while, never had the intention to stay.

I have developed the impression that other people only come to me when they need something from me, a service, or something like that. And then, in the end, when they find no use for me anymore, they keep me in a reserve shelf, and I would just have to wait for the day that they would need m services again. It's a bit unfair, I know, because not everyone is like that. But that is exactly how I feel.

I have lived alone most of my college days. My sister lived with me one time, but she had a life of her own, a path more or less completely different from mine. I also had a friend who lived with me for sometime, but living with him is just like living alone. Not much interaction, not much life. It's better to talk to the tube, at least you get entertained. When I tried to live with a group of friends, things didn't work out for me for I felt like I was just being used, and so I left.

Maybe that is also one reason my they call me kikai (the Japanese term for machine). I prefer 'talking' to computers or the tube and relating to them through the games I play and shows I watch. At least I do not have to bother thinking if they listen to me or not.

I guess I have a lot of insecurities in life. I have lived 20 years of my life but still I do not have a group or even a person whom I could actually call my group. Sure I did have a nice bunch of friends during college, but I never really had anyone whom I was 'tied' to. In every group that I belonged to, I was just a plain addition. There are group secrets that I didn't know of. And there are times that they talk about things that I do not understand. Something that everybody knows of, except me. It was tough. For me it felt like I was just forcing myself into those groups. I would have cried a lot, if I had tear glands. Maybe I'll cry as soon as I find them.