Tired

I wouldn't pretend that I'm okay when I'm not. I wouldn't pretend that don't feel used and needed only on crises. I wouldn't pretend that I feel like I'm other's unlimited personal bank account, always withdrawing and never depositing anything. I wouldn't pretend that that I'm happy and bubbly, when all I'm about to be is break down, when all I need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on.

Strangers

Image from wikipedia

I first met her in the coffee shop. I wasn't planning on staying long, just enough to finish the cafe latte I ordered while reading a book, and then leave. Then, out of nowhere, I heard a voice. A warm, sweet voice. She asked me if the seat beside me was taken. I said "no", and went back to my book. To be honest I wasn't in a conversation kind of mood, much more with a stranger.

I thought that it would end there. That after that quick, short question I would never be bothered again. But for some reason, I felt like I was being watched. Call me paranoid, but when I glanced up and see if anyone was looking, there she was, intently looking at me.

She must've been surprised by me. I can see the surprised look on her face. However, unlike most people, she started a small conversation. She asked me what the book was all about. I didn't want to be rude, so I replied. It wasn't anything interesting anyway. It was just some fiction story about a post apocalyptic future where humans are trying to survive. Nothing out of the ordinary. However, as I was explaining the plot of the book, I can see how intently she was listening. Maybe that's the reason why I decided to continue the small talk after that.

No direction

Having been a "bum" (mildly speaking) for the past few months have been nothing but a rollercoaster ride.

I mean, sure, I got to rest (which, by the way, I heavily needed), but having no actual goal or destination so to speak makes it a little bit boring.

No, I haven't been lazying around all the time. I have traveled a bit since I resigned, to be honest.

It's just that career-wise, I feel like there's nothing else for me.

Chili Buttered Garlic Shrimp

This is one of my favorite dishes to cook, so I figured I could write the recipe and share it.

Ingredients:

• 1/4 kg shrimp
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 50g unsalted butter
• 100 mL Sprite or 7-Up
• 2 tbsp cornstarch as sauce thickener
• iodized salt, ground pepper, and ground cayenne pepper to taste

Wedding Vows

After watching Toni G. and Direk Paul's wedding last Saturday, I was inspired to create my own "imaginary wedding vows".

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For longest time I have resigned to the fact that I would be single forever, or as most people would like to call it, "Single Blessedness." Who would, in fact, have the courage, and audacity to be with someone as flawed, as imperfect, as broken, as insecure like me? But there you were, willing to take on the challenge, in spite of and despite of everything.

Who would have thought that I would get to this place? I, for one, certainly did not. Never, NEVER in my wildest dreams, that I would stand in front of the altar with you.

When your fuel runs out

Sometimes, you try to be strong, not for anyone, but yourself. And when the fuel runs out, it's what's most scary. Because then you realize that there's nothing to be strong about, that there's nothing but false hopes, false pretenses, and you've only been denying to yourself one of the few things that is constant in this life - and that at one point or another, each and every one of us would die.

Shattered, Broken beyond repair

From http://quotlr.com/

Who would want to be with someone like me? Like a discarded piece of trash, like a broken China doll? Sure it may look like I'm all pretty and all made up outside, that when you talk to me there is nothing wrong, but when you find out about the deepest secrets that lurk in the corners of my dark, deranged self, no one would be able to stomach the horrors that live in them.

"I love you." Who knew that those three, simple words would be so difficult portray? Much more even say?

But, alas, I couldn't. I shouldn't. It's suicide.

Depression

From http://drhurd.com

I've been feeling down and about the past few days and I have no idea why.

For most people, there's really not much for me to be sad about. I mean, I'm relatively in a better position than most people my age. I have my own place, I own properties, I owned (for a time) a car, I work out regularly, and I get to travel leisurely in neighboring countries. Even my job isn't as bad as most people would have it.

But still, I get the feeling that I'm depressed. Nothing seems to excite me anymore.

Tonya

New year, new phase, new life! At para simulan ang bagong taon, dapat magpalit din ako ng pangalan.

"Tonya!"

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ko ang pangalan ko. Anak ng butanding. Sino na naman kayang hampaslupa ang tumatawag sakin sa ganung pangalan? Ang aga-aga nambubuwisit. Mukhang sa boses si Tet yun, so malamang anak nga ng butanding. Mabuti pa'y hindi ko na lang papansinin at itutuloy ko na lang ang paglalakad.

Unlearn

From ubi-orbi.com

Music playing the background
People chattering about
All these noises around me
Yet only your voice resounds

Beatiful shapes and colors
Scenic, majestic, grand
But all I see is gray
When you're not by my side

Batanes Trip - North Batan

This is a diary of my travel to Batanes.

Basco Airport

We landed at Basco Airport at 8:28 AM. Similar to Caticlan Airport, it was a small airport with one landing strip. After getting off the plane we were asked to register before reaching the arrival area.

It was drizzling when we arrived. Or maybe it was the low clouds. Either way, you're bound to get cold and wet with this kind of weather.

After arriving at the hotel (which was only a few minutes away), I was given some papers to fill out. I was then escorted to my room. The room was pretty decent and had the basic necessities - comfy bed, lights, hot water (yes, it's a must!). It also comes with an air conditioning unit, which I probably won't need given the weather.

Rejection

From thehappinessparadigm.com

"I no longer wish to speak with you."

It was all that was needed to be said to put me back in my place. I was thinking, hoping actually, that she still wants to be together. That she wants to give us a second chance. That she still longs for me the way I still long for her. I guess I was too far from the truth.

Thinking of being rejected is one thing, being actually rejected is another. It's something that, no matter how long you psych yourself for, will never be prepared. Especially if it's something you really, really want. You think that you've prepared yourself by hoping for the best and expecting the worst, but when you're in that situation, you forget about expecting the worst and just hope for the best.

I guess I had it coming. After all, I was the first one to let go. When I said I want out, I was being impulsive, into that moment. I shouldn't be disappointed that I had been rejected. And yet, it feels like someone just punched a big, gigantic hole in my chest.

Tangent

From http://spacecollective.org/

It pains to live like this - you, hovering like a ghost, like a memory that never goes away. It was easy for you to cut me off, so maybe I should also do the same. We were once together, but now where nothing but complete strangers.

You think I don't notice how cold you've become? How ironic that you say we can stay friends but as usual I'm the only one making any efforts. How do you make it seem that nothing never really happened between us, that for a time, I mattered? Or maybe me being of some importance to you is nothing but a twisted delusion of mine.

Awkward

I was thinking of including this in the "Reunion" story, but when I finished it was too short for a chapter. Also I can't figure out where to put it. So I just put it off as a separate story. Enjoy

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From http://aintnogod.com/

Being in the same room with him felt awkward.

I won't ever get how he can be calm and collected. We didn't particularly part in good terms, so how he can be so casual that I was in the same room as him will be a puzzle to me. It feels like there's a big elephant in the room that he dares not acknowledge - me.

How can I fall under his radar? It's like he cannot see me, until one person points it. And then, I disappear as quickly as he acknowledges my presence. It's like magic. Or selective sight. I dunno.

I tried to stay away from his personal space as much as I can. I'm not as good as him when it comes to compartmentalizing my life. He can fully separate his work life with his personal - and even his romantic life. I never had the capability of doing that. I always felt that one part interacts with the other, and they can never be separated.

To that someone that I used to know

From https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

It has been a few months since we parted. Since I told myself that I deserve better than this. Since I realized that I was still singing the same old songs amidst multiple pleas for something else. Since I decided to call it quits.

You told me time and time again how much feelings you had for me, but for some reason it doesn't connect with what you do. You've told me how important I was, yet I felt I was always being brushed under the rug. You said that I was of value, but you never took the time to know me. It looked like you were just going along with the pretense that we were happy with what we had, never even taking the time to assess if it was indeed the case. At times, I felt like I was the only one in love. And like the song says, I can't make you love me if you don't.

And so I decided to end it. While telling you this, deep down I was hoping that you would say something to make me change my mind. Say something, and tell me that my decision is wrong. Say something, tell me we can work this out. Say something, tell me you love me.

Cebu

Cebu here I come! :D

It's been a while since I last rode a plane, so I'm pretty excited when I booked my trip to Cebu. Although I've gone to different places outside the country (SG, JP, CND, and HK), I haven't really done much travelling domestically. If at all, I was only able to get around the Philippines because of a company trip, or because of school. Other than Galera and Boracay, this will by my other non-work and non-school related trip.

Our scheduled Cebu trip isn't exactly a lot - it's for 3 days and 2 nights. My purpose in going to Cebu wasn't so much to experience a lot of the tourist activities or destinations, but to take pictures around as much as I can (that's my usual reason for going to one place). So, you can expect no moving along the edge of a sky scraper or doing mission impossible feats in Cebu. I'm here to relax, not to stress myself out. :P

2013

From http://www.argeltiburcio.com/

December of 2012. I ended that year with a plan. I quit my job, decided to take a few months off work, then will head to New Zealand with my sister after their one month vacation in the Philippines. From there I would stay for three months, weigh things out, see if I could get a job, and if not, go back to the Philippines and start looking for a new one.

That was the original plan coming to 2013. By May I would be in New Zealand, and if fate wasn't on my side I would be back around August. Basically it would take more than half of the year. But, not everything goes according to plan.

If you love me

From http://walluck.com

Don't play with my fragile heart
It has been through too much
Don't play with my heart, I plead
Lest it be my last hurrah

Don't tell me you love me if you don't
Don't tell me you'll be there if you won't
Don't promise me the world if you can't
Don't tell me forever if you shan't

You say you love me
But your actions say another
Tell me, what am I supposed to believe?
Tell me, what am I supposed to perceive?

A man can dream

From http://inspyrz.com/

A man can dream of fortune
Of wealth and riches abound
To have too much of everything
And a lack of not even one

A man can dream of fame
To be among the stars
To be a someone whose name
is known by one and all

Poetry from Friendster Shoutout

From http://www.carldavidweb.com/

This was written during Friendster days.

Due to the limited number of characters that I can use for the shout out (given that it's a shout out), I only came up with these. I was supposed to make it longer, but I guess it'll have to do.

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I want a girl who can bring me to my knees,
bend me to her will,
make me lose my mind,
and shatter all my dreams;

She can dissolve my resolve,
even destroy me if she wants;
but she won't;

Cause she knows I love her,
the way she loves me,
or maybe, even more.

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