I have acknowledged the fact that I have to stop being alone all the time. But the problem is, I cannot seem to get out of my shell. I have tried a lot of times, and in most of them, I would either end up being hurt, fooled, or betrayed.
Yeah, I know. I'm still playing the old song. Problem is, I cannot seem to find any other "me" who would want to walk the same path as I would. Or, at least, sing a different song with me. I even feel that in a crowd of people, I am alone.
I love listening to soft songs (or at least, not the hard metal types). And oftentimes, I tend to sympathize. It's as if I can relate it to parts of my life that most people don't know. I sing songs most people sing, but with a different interpretation.
I have written, and would probably still will, continue to write my feelings, post them on some blog that I wrote that no one would probably even read. It's funny that you can pour out all your emotions to the internet but not to the people around you. I guess it must be the "anonimity" that enables us to express ourselves in a manner that we don't usually do on a normal basis.
When I see the replies (the VERY scarce replies) to the blogs I write, I often feel defensive, especially when the replies come from someone I know. But then, do they really know me? They probably know either the bubbly, easy to get along with me, or the hard to get with, stubborn me, but not the "dark" me. I guess only a few people know that side, and no one from the "close circle" I go out with. Most of the time, the reason would be acceptance. How would they react when they found out that the person they knew is just a farce, or nothing but a small figment of the person they thought they knew?
The problem's not with them, that I know. It lies with me (I suddenly remembered Fergie's song, and part of the lyrics goes like "It's personal, myself and I. We have some straightening out to do"). I just feel that sometimes, they aren't "real". I know that it's nothing but a figment of my imagination, but for a paranoid like me, a figment could actually go a long way.
I probably am going out with the wrong crowd. Inasmuch as I wanted change, the rottenness of the world still lurks at the corner. The change I wanted, feels so far, so distant. They are reaching out their hands, but I find none to take.
true... it's hard to hide your person from everyone around you because you always think that they would ultimately reject you if they saw that particular side of you. i've been there a number of times already... kasi i have depression and something like a bipolar disorder ^^; kaya minsan isip ko, mas maigi bang pakita mo na lang ung gusto nilang makita kesa ma-alienate? hirap din... pero wish you luck :) kaya mo yan!!! *hugs!*
ReplyDeleteGarsh, we're so alike in so many ways talaga. Pero mas positive ata ang outlook mo sa buhay. hehe... :P
ReplyDeletefreaky ba? hehe mga tipong parang pagod na mabuhay na ewan... nde naman, just been happy recently kaya nagiging positive ang pessimist na ito... haha pero like nung na-down ako last year... that was horrendous to say the least... parang ayoko nang gumising... and i was wishing that at some points last year to be honest... ^^; kaya ayan... pero kahit happy na rin, may times na tinotopak pa rin... di ko lang pinahahalata... kaya nga feeling ko family nde alam na malaki topak ko sa ulo haha...
ReplyDeleteMore often than not naman no one knows what's really happening eh. At least now, I have some friends who know what I'm going through.
ReplyDeletePero I think I might've destroyed some in the process...
Heck... you win some, you lose some.
onga... :) minsan rin kasi, they can't seem to accept that part of us no matter how much you try to convince them... medyo naging cynical ako in some ways pero parang i just gave up trying to please everyone... kung tingin nila ganito ako or something, then problema na nila un hehe bad ko noh? pero so as long as i have that core group of friends who understand me... ok na ko :) kasi now, isip ko, nde na ako nag-iisa... :)
ReplyDelete