I'm stupid, I'm delusional

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I’m stupid.

To think that I would do something like this, something that is beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been so lonely, so unhappy, and when you held me, all my defenses crumbled down.

We were lying on the bed, our arms intertwined with each other. I could think of so many different things that had the same theme – two people that have been bonded into one.

I have dreamt of this a couple of times before – us lying in bed, your head resting on my arm, my hands caressing the contours of your body. It’s nothing sexual, but I could feel the intimacy on a whole new level – the swirl of emotions, the storm of feelings. It’s like having all your senses heightened to a point that a single touch sends jolts of electricity through your body. It’s so exhilarating, so pleasurable – yet at the same time, painful.

I kiss you on the temple as I brush your hair with my fingers, thinking how good it must be to get to do this everyday. You were sleeping, but for a moment I thought I recognized a faint smile, as if you were enjoying in the moment. I held you even close, knowing that this may be the only time that I would be able to do so.

Holding you like this, like there’s nothing else important, gives a sense of euphoria and satisfaction. Yet from the back of my mind I know this is nothing but borrowed time – after all, you’re something that I could probably not have.

Tomorrow, we’ll go back our separate ways. Tomorrow, the world will continue on spinning, as if this night has never happened. Tomorrow, the world will forget tonight. Tomorrow, we will go back to reality.

But tonight, just for tonight, let the world stop spinning.

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I’m delusional.

To think that you would feel even a bit for me, to think that what is happening has any meaning to you. You might have just been vulnerable, longing for company and affection. Seeing the sadness from your eyes, I can’t help but hold you, hoping that I would be able to ease your worries even for just a little while.

We were lying in bed, my head resting on your arm, your hands caressing the contours of my body. There were no carnal instincts involved, no sexual interactions, but I could somehow sense the longing you were aching for. Then again, the mind is very playful, and all of this may very well be just in my head.

I pretended to be sleeping. Sleepy as I was, I wouldn’t want to miss this moment. You kissed me and brushed my hair, I can’t help but smile. I just hoped that you didn’t notice. You held me even tighter, firm, but gentle. I could hear the beat of your heart, slow and steady. I prayed that you wouldn’t feel mine, with my heart trying to get out of my chest with every beat.

You, holding me like this, is like a dream. I’ve pictured this in my head a million times, but they all pale in comparison to this moment. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for this moment. It was bliss – but like any other dream, there would come a time that we would have to wake up.

Tomorrow, we’ll go back our separate ways. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up, this moment nothing but a faint memory from my dreams. Tomorrow, we’ll go back to reality.

But tonight, just for tonight, let me dream.

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