Priority

"Sometimes I feel like, 'Am I nothing but a prize trophy to you?'"

It was all that she needed to say to break down my wall, my defenses. I couldn’t think of anything else to say to counter her argument. No, I don’t think of her that way, but the fact the she feels that way pierces a deep hole in my gut. Thinking of her that way is the last thing I would do, but thinking about it and making her feel about it are two different matters.

It all started with a seemingly innocent question. While having dinner she asked me if I would take care of her if she suddenly got sick. I responded, "Yes I would", almost automatically. Then she asked if I would still take care of her if I have some deadlines at work. Nonchalantly I gave her the same response. I thought that she was satisfied with the response coz she stopped asking any more questions, until I noticed that she hasn’t touched her food since then.

"Hon, is something the matter?" I asked her.

"Hmmm?" she replied, as if getting out of a trance, "Oh, nothing, don’t worry about it."

"You haven’t touched your food since you asked me those questions, is something bothering you? Did I do something?" I asked.

"No, you didn’t do anything, I was just thinking about something. It’s nothing important."

"Hon, you know you can tell me anything," I said, giving her the best impression of puppy eyes I could ever muster. That made her smile. I love how small silly actions I make can make her smile and giggle.

It didn’t last this time though, and she went back to a pensive mood. She looked at me, with some sort of worry on her face, as if she’s thinking how I would react to whatever she’s going to say. She’s really good at suspense.

"Do I still matter to you?"

I was caught off guard by the question that all I could muster for a response was "Why do you think that?"

"Before I say anything can I just use my period as an excuse for all of this?" and smiled. She’s trying to lighten up the situation so as not to feel uncomfortable.

"Don’t worry, we can blame your period" I replied and held her hand. Her hands were cold, reflecting how nervous she is.

Me holding her hands seem to have comforted to some level. Finally after a large exhale she said, “Remember the other day?”

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The other day.

She was outside with her friends even though she had a slight fever the day before, just because it was scheduled appointment. She wanted me to go with her, but I had a lot on my plate – some office work nearing the deadline can make or break my career. In my mind I did want to accompany her, but my hands were tied. I explained to her the situation, and apologized for not being able to accompany her. She even asked me if there’s anything else she could do to help, but I told her to go out with her friends and that I should be fine.

I thought that everything was all right – after all, she was pretty independent and prefers doing things on her own – but apparently, that wasn’t the case.

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"Look, I know I’ve been pretty unfair, but that's work. You do understand that it’s for us right?" I told her, trying to ease her fears.

"I know, but sometimes I can’t help but think if I am a priority to you. If I get sick and there’s some urgent work that needs to be finished, would you look after me or would you just do that after the work is done?"

"Of course I would look after you first. You’re my priority."

"Really? Because sometimes I feel like I’m just for special occasions, like a special silverware you put out during Christmas and New Year."

I could see the pain and uncertainty from her eyes, and it pains me. What pains me even more is that I’m the one doing this to her. How could I make the woman I love feel that way? She far from perfect, but her flaws and idiosyncrasies are what attracted me to her. I’m not perfect either, as this whole situation wouldn’t have happened have I’ve been one.

I try to remember moments in our lives where I may have unconsciously let her down – the time she was sick and I was out in the office, the time she asked me to help her with dinner because her parents are coming over, the time when she asked me a tiny favor but I declined because I was too busy. I thought they were just tiny things that needed to be compromised in our relationship. Little did I notice that those small things that I took her for granted snowballed into this – this feeling of not being needed, not being cared for.

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"Eric?"

Her voice was enough to take me back to the present, to the now.

I look at her, and I see concern written all over her face. There was no trace of anger or resentment on her expression – she’s been angry a couple of times in the past, and I know when she’s angry.

How she’s handling all of this, I do not know. I guess I haven’t known her very well. I’ve been accustomed to how we do things – became complacent with her – that somehow I’ve neglected to know her everyday, to court her everyday. And that, I guess, was my biggest flaw.

"I know I’m somewhat being unfair to you by dishing this all out now. I’m not expecting you to answer me now, but I want you to think it through. Just think it through, it could save the both of us."

I’m thankful for her, thankful that she’s been at my side all this time, without so much of a complaint or retaliation. She’s been very supportive, and I wasn’t able to support her in return. There’s no need to think things through – I’ve failed her, and I plan to make it up to her.

I try to compose my thoughts, hold her hands, and smile. I hope that this is the last time I would make her feel this way.